Cost: Free, excepting your dignity and, possibly, costumes
Keeps on giving by… providing the giftee with a visual experience that will be permanently seared into his/her brain forever (perhaps a pas de deux to Purple Rain, or crumping to Justin Bieber?); raising awareness of the magical art that is dance.
Just let the emotion out.
A DVD of Pay it Forward, starring Haley Joel Osment
Cost: New, $14.98; used, from $0.25
Keeps on giving by... duh, paying it forward. Also by letting giftee finally watch their Kevin Spacey-Helen Hunt sex fantasy play out onscreen.
That kid is a total cockblock
20 virtual pints of beer on Facebook
Cost: $20 (Yes, really. Jesus, Facebook, for that kind of money I want a REAL hangover)Keeps on giving by... giving giftee virtual alcohol poisoning, which is totally a life lesson; making all of giftee’s friends feel good about the fact that they did not just waste $20 on pretend booze.
Zero calorie beer. EAT THAT, Michelob Ultra!
A copy of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
Cost: $11.55
Keeps on giving by... revealing to the giftee that The Giving Tree is actually about unhealthy dependency issues, which will then lead them to dump the boy- or girlfriend who has been taking metaphoric apples from their branches for years; introduce the giftee to phrases such as “slide down my trunk” and “sit on my stump,” which make great double entendres.
How do you like them apples, you selfish little dipshit? Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out.
Fishing rod, reel, and line
Cost: $19.99 (cheapest model, through Amazon)
Keeps on giving by... um, feeding giftee for life (assuming they can figure out how to use it, since lessons go over the price limit, and also assuming they can catch a fish without any hook or bait)
Oh, don't worry... if he gets hungry he can go to McDonald's
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Una LaMarche is a writer, editor, and karaoke enthusiast living in Brooklyn. She is the managing editor of The New York Observer and her writing has appeared in BlackBook, The Huffington Post, Strut, and LA Confidential, among other publications. When she's not trolling the internet for new Lost theories or bidding on old Sassy magazine issues on eBay, Una documents her life, pop culture obsessions, and occasional political rants on her blog, The Sassy Curmudgeon.
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2 comments:
Oh my! "The Giving Tree" is so special to me. That piece made us champion in the yearly Reader's Theatre contest back in high school.
Your tagline under The Giving Tree pic made me snort coffee out of my nose. I can already tell it's gonna be one of those things I'll suddenly remember when I'm by myself in public and just start laughing uncontrollably.
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